What I have to look forward to...

Shadows and Betrayal (of sort...)

I was just looking over my old website that I posted on my web server space that every Yale student gets - I was so gung-ho about it - it's all coming back to me now. I took the website down, because it took too long to update and keep up, but I am thinking of trying to do it again. I had a very good web design and all, but it was just so much easier to blog through this website, that I just stopped.

Thinking about that website made me want to blog - so here I am. I am very sorry that I have been such a flake about posting - I haven't been busy - so that's not really an excuse. I've just been trying to recover from all the things that have been going on since Spring Break. My sister is finally a doctor of philosophy - she has her PhD!! My parents came up to see her thesis defense and now she is back on the hospital wards. She's almost done - I am very happy for her! I just gotta keep her morale up.

I was hit with a lot of administrative tasks when I got back, mainly getting reimbursements for IAW and Mock Trial. So even though I am done with the two activities for the most part, I have still some residual duties - ugh! Oh well , that's life I suppose. It's all done now though - so no problem - now I just have to go to the various events that are left until elections!

I am finally 21 - not a big birthday for most Muslims - but still, a big birthday in general. It sort of came and went with out a lot of pomp and circumstance. That's the way I like it - I am slowly celebrating with my friends - this Friday, going out for Ethiopean with my suitemates - that should be fun. I bought myself a new iPod (a video one!) - since mine wouldn't turn on except to make a whirring and clicking noise.

Life is generally good - except, when I have the least to do, I feel the most stress - I can't quite explain it, but I think it's because I have had more time to think about things. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have come to the realization that I am terrified of being a failure in life. I don't want to go through this world with out having made some kind of difference that people will remember me for. I don't know quite what I want, but I really want a legacy of some kind - some way for me to measure my success. I don't exactly know how to do that - and no happiness is not what will determine my success. That's lame - you can be happy doing anything - that's not a good gauge. When I have more figured out, I might write more, but right now, I am just pondering and I am a little freaked out.

Another thing that has sort of upset me is that I have been somewhat betrayed. It's not that big of a deal, it's more the principle of the matter. This supposed friend of mine has been totally two-faced with me - to my face, s/he is the nicest and seems like s/he is keeping my confidence, but behind my back, s/he's been telling others, even though I have asked him/her not to say anything. Now, this isn't personal information about me, but rather, information that has to do with the cohesion of the Muslim community. Instead of keeping his/her mouth shut, this supposed friend has been jockeying and creating fitna in our small little Yale MSA family. These problems have been giving the Yale MSA president and vice-president a really hard time and leading people to do things that they don't want to do- and that's why I think it's upset me. Not to mention that s/he's lied to me to my face with no remorse or regret. I don't know how to quite approach it - it's partially my fault for trusting this person - I am better at picking these people out. But without a doubt, I will not make that mistake again, and now, I will never trust this person again. I think I am disappointed that I let such a betrayal happen to me; events like these only make me more cynical about people and their intentions.

There is nothing really else for me to say, except that I guess I have learned my lesson. Now I am only reminiscing about all the things I could have done with the wasted time.

"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of." - Benjamin Franklin

300 - Reflections on a Film

Before break started, I went to go see 300, the new film about the battle of Thermopylae based on the Frank Miller graphic novel of the same name. It had been hyped up to me by my friends since December, but after seeing all the previews and the promo clips, I knew how ridiculous it was going to be.

And indeed, it was very ridiculous - both graphically stunning and terribly racist. For those of you who don't know what the film's premise is, let me enlighten you. 300 Spartan soliders, the best in the world, face the millions of the Persian army in the name of freedom and equality for 3 days, giving the rest of Greece enough time to gather their forces and meet Xerxes, the king of Persia, and defeat him in the Battle of Platea. It sounds like it could be an amazingly inspirational, though bloody, story, right? Well, it was definitely bloody (though not as violent as Sin City, which I couldn't stomach).

First of all, the movie was bad from the standpoint of a plot and dialogue - from the minute the Persian embissary gets shoved into a bottomless well, I couldn't stop laughing. The freedom, liberty and equality lines were irritating me - I am pretty idealistic, but come on, who are we kidding? Of course, the movie conveniently forgets to mention the millions of Helots, GREEKS, that the Spartans oppressed, so that they could live their lavish lifestyle. But who cares about history. I am pretty sure some of the lines from that move came straight from a couple of President Bush's speeches. Does that give you an idea of how bad the dialogue was?

Second, the represenation of the Persians was incredibly stupid and obvious. It stunk of orientalism and racism. I don't know whether the director and the producer were serious when they envisioned this. The Greeks, who were fighting for liberty and justice, were buff and very white and Aryan. They were beautiful! The Persians on the other hand consisted of every colored person on Earth - and they were hideous. I am talking about deformities, half-beast/half-human - yep, that's how the Persians were represented. It was so obvious, that my usually very obtuse (obtuse about race and gender issues, pretty sharp about everything else) guy-friends even noticed it. And they laughed at how silly it was (I was fuming after the movie).

But all in all, I actually liked it for it's ridiculousness and because now, when I rant about orientalism and racism, I have a concrete example that everyone understands (I can't really talk about 19th century paintings with these guys). It has only helped me in my quest to end these kinds of stereotypes - I was actually able to have a conversation about Edward Said with these guys. And that's why I stopped being angry and telling people, that if you don't know what I am talking about when I say "demonizing the East" - please go see 300.

It's Been A While....

Wow...it's been a really long time since I last posted. I am very sorry about that. I am finally on spring break - IAW and Mock Trial were finished with a long time ago. I didn't get Freshman Counselor or a job in London (that's ok - everything that happens, it happens for the best). I am now starting to work on papers and reading - apply for more jobs in D.C. (I have a job interview tomorrow for the Center for American Progress). Life is good and bad at the same time - and I can't quite explain it. I have had a few interesting experiences to tell you about.

So...I have discovered Nintendo Wii - it's terrible for my studying habits - but I use it as a study break - so I turned its destructive qualities (i.e. waste of time) into a treat, and incentive if you please, to motivate me to study for longer periods of time. The thing is Wii is probably the only video game that I have ever and will ever know how to play. Most video games have complicated controlers - but the Wii - you just have to be able to move your hands - it's incredible technology. The funny thing is when I am old, my children are going to laugh at this technology and they won't believe that we played with stuff so ancient.

On to other news, for my "Race and Violence in the American City" seminar paper, I am doing research in the Manuscripts and Archives Library at Yale. I've been looking at the Cyrus R. Vance Papers - Cyrus Vance was the deputy Secretary of Defense during the 1967 Detroit Riots. First of all, what it takes to get in there is rather high security - you have to register and then sign in. You aren't allowed anything except a laptop - they provide you with pencil and paper if you need it. Then they take you to the items you've called up (in this case Cyrus Vance's papers) and you sit at a table in a dimly lit room and read over the documents you've requested. It's what historians do - and it felt sooo cool doing it. The manuscript and archive room is gorgeous and the people who were doing research in the room seemed like they had never seen the light (regular light and warm temperatures are bad for the documents they keep). They were probably history graduate students - looking at declassified FBI documents just like me. What was interesting was that there were portions of the documents that were taken out because they were "restricted", but I am fairly sure that you can find those documents online. Ooops....

I am leaving for home this Thursday - looking forward to being home with my parents! I will get to interview some witnesses of the Detroit riots while I am there, which will be enlighting to be sure. That's it for now - and until next time, here's a quote, to bring back an old tradition of mine.

Come out of the circle of time
And into the circle of love.
-Rumi