Another Epiphany

Suddenly, I am feeling better, so I thought I would lighten up my blog with better feelings. I had a jam-packed day with the MSA board retreat and the MSA senior dinner. A and I got stuck in the Musallah wrapping the gifts, writing the cards, and gossiping about the retreat that had happened earlier. This year's social chair fancies himself as being the political action chair, but without the work, and A and I were conspiring on how to stop that in its tracks.

But even all that fun, I still was having a shitty day, until now. It's probably because I am done with my Arabic presentation (except for a few run throughs), even though it's so crappy, I'll will fail the oral presentation of the class. I realized that I was unhappy because I was stressed about this stupid oral presentation. Because I am a Yalie, and type-A, I cannot be a failure at anything, and doing Arabic makes me understand how bad I am at learning languages. For some reason, I didn't have such a hard time with Latin, but this experience explains why I could never get over my speaking barrier with Bangla.

I really should be doing work, like reading for my papers, but I guess I will finish this entry and go write a letter to my pops. He's been sort of sad with all that's happening at home. Maybe I'll find the courage to write about what's been happening....but probably not. So, yeah...I'll be back with more depressing entries later as reading week progresses, but tomorrow is Spider Ball and Tuesday is Spring Fling (with Ludacris and Ben Folds!!!), so there will be some rays of light breaking through.

Man is fond of counting his troubles but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. - Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky

Wishes

So, I realized last night at the awesome MSA girls night at my sister's place that I wish I was a better person, a nicer person. I mean I have always wanted that for myself, but I just don't have it in my bones, the way one of my friends does. I mean she loves people (she told me last night), and I mean, I don't hate people, but I certainly don't love them. If I tried to be a nicer person, not just to people's faces, but also in my head (which is the worse place to be made fun of in my opinion), I would be lying to myself. Dishonesty in oneself is worse than dishonesty to the rest of the world, right?

On to another wish...I was thinking last night how I have had a good year with the firiends...sort of. I've gotten really close to a girl on the MSA (the one I was talking about earlier) and now she's probably one of my best friends here as well as with this other girl I am going to live with next year. She's from Washington, and sort of great (that's an inside joke). Unfortunately, a lot of my friends are flawed friends, and so I wish I had friends that were better for me. For example, some of my friends are horribly mean to me (I mean I can take it, but that doesn't mean that it's a good thing to have mean friends), others are vacant or too busy, and most others are too involved with themselves. You see, I have had some awful things happen to me lately, and no one seems to care. No one has talked to me, and asked me if I was ok or if I needed anything. One of my supposed best friends at Yale doesn't even know what's going on in my life, because he's not only vacant, busy, and mean, but he's also too involved with himself and everyone else. but me. One of my other friends, I can't talk to her about my problems, because she would just tell me to suck it up. Sometimes I hate my choices in life, but it's too late to turn back. Every time I think about some of my friends, I feel like crying. I know that's depressing, but that's how it is for me...I have made bad choices, so I guess I have to stick with them, or lose my social life. The things we do so that we don't have to be a loser....

Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary".

Disgruntled Thoughts

So I am done with the paper I was complaining about earlier. I should be getting it back this week; I am sort of nervous about my grade, even though I do fairly well on papers. He's a law school student, and they have different standards than regular graduate students have, usually higher. So we'll see. I am writing this entry because one of my friends bugged me that I haven't posted anything in a while. So here goes....

I have been very disgruntled lately, about Yale and the world. It seems like I am always disgruntled. Now I don't know how to express my feelings in any other way but stream of consciousness Joyce-style, so bear with me. The next gazillion sentences are going to be short and sweet, and if you are at all acquainted with the goings-on of Yale and the world, than you can construe what I mean. I hate Muslims being stupid and supporting people they shouldn't. I hate it when people go kill themselves and kill others in the process. I hate it when people don't understand you. It's particularly frustrating when it's your parents. I hate it when people try to understand you, fail, and don't acknowledge it (we're at Yale...overachievement is a disease that infects every aspect of life). I hate when people tell you to get over it. I hate it when people tell you to laugh a little more (if anyone knew me, they'd know that I laugh a lot...just not at this shit.) I hate it when a professor doesn't recognize that you are struggling. I hate it when you feel like time is rushing by and you can't do all the things you want to do. I hate having a lot of things to do, but I also hate having too little to do. I hate it when I see people still illusioned by Yale's charms (pre-frosh: it's coming, Yalies: if not now, life will do it to you...I will have seen it coming, suckers!). I don't like feeling fat. I hate whiny friends. I hate stupid frosh who can't put up a good fight. I hate confusing juniors who throw shit at you one day and then complement you the next. I hate having to write paper after paper....especially ones that aren't in English! I hate not having nice clothes to wear. I hate my skin for acting up. I hate not feeling pretty. I hate seeing books and magazines pile up that I haven't read. I hate having friends that you don't or can't talk to. Last but not least, I hate that summer is only 3 weeks away, but I can't taste it.

So there's my rant. Long but at the same time short, because I always have so much more to say than I can possibly put into words (the benefit of a Yale education will make my rants longer with more complicated words).

Avoiding the Paper, Part 2: Ann Arbor

So as I promised, pictures of downtown Ann Arbor. These were taken back during the winter, so Ann Arbor is snowy and a little slushy, but don't look at those parts. I am taking a break from my paper to keep my word (I really try hard to justify not working).

This a picture of some of the stores next to the bus station and post office. Sam's is the hipster store with some U of M stuff in it too.

This the Herb David Guitar Studio, which is a famous hotspot for the musicians and those aspiring to be one.

This is Le Dog, where you can get the cheapest and best hot dogs in Ann Arbor! This kept me nourished many days in high school.

Sorry this picture is sideways...but I was too lazy to go back and rotate it. This is the sign of one of the two historical theaters in downtown Ann Arbor, which show movies, plays, and musical and comedic acts.

More pics on the way....

Avoiding the Paper

So I have to work on this constitutional law paper, but I don't want to. Funny how when I procrastinate, I seem to write on this blog even more. I don't feel as guilty, because my seminar got cancelled for tomorrow, so I have 2 more hours to work on my paper. It's due Friday, and I have a psuedo-thesis, but not really a full thesis. Still working on that one.

I have not been a happy camper lately. Everyone seems to be ticking me off, whether it's about housing, classes, work, extracurricular activities, or family. I am not happy with anyone, and frankly I can't deal with most of the people I have had to deal with in the past week or so. Usually what annoys me about people I let slide, but lately, it's just been getting under my skin and growing into an ugly green monster called rage. Don't worry...I am not going to do anything crazy, but I get angry, and I vent in a natural way (like writing entries for this blog or playing abnormally violent video games....actually I am lying about the latter).

Currently, I am chugging a Diet Coke, even though my goal was to go to sleep around 1:00 (the past week I have been going to sleep around 3:00 AM, probably the source of my intolerance). I am not working out which is really bugging me and makes me feel fat. I can't express myself properly without going into spastic fits of cursing typical of Tourette's Syndrome. As you can see, I am not a little ray of sunshine. You know though...why be happy all the time? People that are like that are freaks. But then again, I wish God had given me some of their freakishness.

Alright...back to my stupid paper....coming at you with a quote that couldn't be truer for Yalies.

"Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact." - Bertrand Russell

Spring Has Arrived in New Haven

So, it's been a while since I last wrote, but I will soon this weekend write a really long post and have tons of pictures. Anyway, it has finally warmed up at Yale, and yesterday's weather was beautiful....gorgeous in fact. I studied the whole day outside! Today it's sort of crappy, because it's cloudy and rainy, but that only means that tomorrow will be better and a lot like Sunday. That's the only thing that has been keeping my mood up. I have a lot of stresses like MSA and YMTA elections, CIR, Bioethics Society Debate, as well as MAC Open Forum. That was a lot of acroynyms, but I am not going to explain them all. Yes...that is how exhausted I am. But this is the life I lead.....paper due this week, entire conference next week. Woohoo...but I do have some good news within all of this. My suite got one of the sextets in a predraw, so we will have excellent housing next year! I don't know if I let you in on my housing drama, but you can go read my blog entry on The U about housing at Yale. It is one of the pleasant things about spring semester and of course the hunt for a summer job/internship. Oh the life of a Yalie.....

Take this sorrow to thy heart, and make it a part of thee, and it shall nourish thee till thou art strong again. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Hyperion"