New Place and Time

So, as you have probably noticed - this blog has been out of commission for a while. I was in DC for the summer and I decided to deactivate it for various personal reasons. This blog is not completely defunct, but I will not be posting on it as much as I used to, because I have this new blog: A Woman with the Misfortune of Knowing Anything and I will be posting at that one more regularly than this one - please visit it! It's a re-imagination of the same idea behind this blog - I hope you like it. It only has a few posts right now, but enjoy what's there - more to come, and please leave comments if you would like me to speak to any particular subjects.

What I have to look forward to...

Shadows and Betrayal (of sort...)

I was just looking over my old website that I posted on my web server space that every Yale student gets - I was so gung-ho about it - it's all coming back to me now. I took the website down, because it took too long to update and keep up, but I am thinking of trying to do it again. I had a very good web design and all, but it was just so much easier to blog through this website, that I just stopped.

Thinking about that website made me want to blog - so here I am. I am very sorry that I have been such a flake about posting - I haven't been busy - so that's not really an excuse. I've just been trying to recover from all the things that have been going on since Spring Break. My sister is finally a doctor of philosophy - she has her PhD!! My parents came up to see her thesis defense and now she is back on the hospital wards. She's almost done - I am very happy for her! I just gotta keep her morale up.

I was hit with a lot of administrative tasks when I got back, mainly getting reimbursements for IAW and Mock Trial. So even though I am done with the two activities for the most part, I have still some residual duties - ugh! Oh well , that's life I suppose. It's all done now though - so no problem - now I just have to go to the various events that are left until elections!

I am finally 21 - not a big birthday for most Muslims - but still, a big birthday in general. It sort of came and went with out a lot of pomp and circumstance. That's the way I like it - I am slowly celebrating with my friends - this Friday, going out for Ethiopean with my suitemates - that should be fun. I bought myself a new iPod (a video one!) - since mine wouldn't turn on except to make a whirring and clicking noise.

Life is generally good - except, when I have the least to do, I feel the most stress - I can't quite explain it, but I think it's because I have had more time to think about things. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have come to the realization that I am terrified of being a failure in life. I don't want to go through this world with out having made some kind of difference that people will remember me for. I don't know quite what I want, but I really want a legacy of some kind - some way for me to measure my success. I don't exactly know how to do that - and no happiness is not what will determine my success. That's lame - you can be happy doing anything - that's not a good gauge. When I have more figured out, I might write more, but right now, I am just pondering and I am a little freaked out.

Another thing that has sort of upset me is that I have been somewhat betrayed. It's not that big of a deal, it's more the principle of the matter. This supposed friend of mine has been totally two-faced with me - to my face, s/he is the nicest and seems like s/he is keeping my confidence, but behind my back, s/he's been telling others, even though I have asked him/her not to say anything. Now, this isn't personal information about me, but rather, information that has to do with the cohesion of the Muslim community. Instead of keeping his/her mouth shut, this supposed friend has been jockeying and creating fitna in our small little Yale MSA family. These problems have been giving the Yale MSA president and vice-president a really hard time and leading people to do things that they don't want to do- and that's why I think it's upset me. Not to mention that s/he's lied to me to my face with no remorse or regret. I don't know how to quite approach it - it's partially my fault for trusting this person - I am better at picking these people out. But without a doubt, I will not make that mistake again, and now, I will never trust this person again. I think I am disappointed that I let such a betrayal happen to me; events like these only make me more cynical about people and their intentions.

There is nothing really else for me to say, except that I guess I have learned my lesson. Now I am only reminiscing about all the things I could have done with the wasted time.

"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of." - Benjamin Franklin

300 - Reflections on a Film

Before break started, I went to go see 300, the new film about the battle of Thermopylae based on the Frank Miller graphic novel of the same name. It had been hyped up to me by my friends since December, but after seeing all the previews and the promo clips, I knew how ridiculous it was going to be.

And indeed, it was very ridiculous - both graphically stunning and terribly racist. For those of you who don't know what the film's premise is, let me enlighten you. 300 Spartan soliders, the best in the world, face the millions of the Persian army in the name of freedom and equality for 3 days, giving the rest of Greece enough time to gather their forces and meet Xerxes, the king of Persia, and defeat him in the Battle of Platea. It sounds like it could be an amazingly inspirational, though bloody, story, right? Well, it was definitely bloody (though not as violent as Sin City, which I couldn't stomach).

First of all, the movie was bad from the standpoint of a plot and dialogue - from the minute the Persian embissary gets shoved into a bottomless well, I couldn't stop laughing. The freedom, liberty and equality lines were irritating me - I am pretty idealistic, but come on, who are we kidding? Of course, the movie conveniently forgets to mention the millions of Helots, GREEKS, that the Spartans oppressed, so that they could live their lavish lifestyle. But who cares about history. I am pretty sure some of the lines from that move came straight from a couple of President Bush's speeches. Does that give you an idea of how bad the dialogue was?

Second, the represenation of the Persians was incredibly stupid and obvious. It stunk of orientalism and racism. I don't know whether the director and the producer were serious when they envisioned this. The Greeks, who were fighting for liberty and justice, were buff and very white and Aryan. They were beautiful! The Persians on the other hand consisted of every colored person on Earth - and they were hideous. I am talking about deformities, half-beast/half-human - yep, that's how the Persians were represented. It was so obvious, that my usually very obtuse (obtuse about race and gender issues, pretty sharp about everything else) guy-friends even noticed it. And they laughed at how silly it was (I was fuming after the movie).

But all in all, I actually liked it for it's ridiculousness and because now, when I rant about orientalism and racism, I have a concrete example that everyone understands (I can't really talk about 19th century paintings with these guys). It has only helped me in my quest to end these kinds of stereotypes - I was actually able to have a conversation about Edward Said with these guys. And that's why I stopped being angry and telling people, that if you don't know what I am talking about when I say "demonizing the East" - please go see 300.

It's Been A While....

Wow...it's been a really long time since I last posted. I am very sorry about that. I am finally on spring break - IAW and Mock Trial were finished with a long time ago. I didn't get Freshman Counselor or a job in London (that's ok - everything that happens, it happens for the best). I am now starting to work on papers and reading - apply for more jobs in D.C. (I have a job interview tomorrow for the Center for American Progress). Life is good and bad at the same time - and I can't quite explain it. I have had a few interesting experiences to tell you about.

So...I have discovered Nintendo Wii - it's terrible for my studying habits - but I use it as a study break - so I turned its destructive qualities (i.e. waste of time) into a treat, and incentive if you please, to motivate me to study for longer periods of time. The thing is Wii is probably the only video game that I have ever and will ever know how to play. Most video games have complicated controlers - but the Wii - you just have to be able to move your hands - it's incredible technology. The funny thing is when I am old, my children are going to laugh at this technology and they won't believe that we played with stuff so ancient.

On to other news, for my "Race and Violence in the American City" seminar paper, I am doing research in the Manuscripts and Archives Library at Yale. I've been looking at the Cyrus R. Vance Papers - Cyrus Vance was the deputy Secretary of Defense during the 1967 Detroit Riots. First of all, what it takes to get in there is rather high security - you have to register and then sign in. You aren't allowed anything except a laptop - they provide you with pencil and paper if you need it. Then they take you to the items you've called up (in this case Cyrus Vance's papers) and you sit at a table in a dimly lit room and read over the documents you've requested. It's what historians do - and it felt sooo cool doing it. The manuscript and archive room is gorgeous and the people who were doing research in the room seemed like they had never seen the light (regular light and warm temperatures are bad for the documents they keep). They were probably history graduate students - looking at declassified FBI documents just like me. What was interesting was that there were portions of the documents that were taken out because they were "restricted", but I am fairly sure that you can find those documents online. Ooops....

I am leaving for home this Thursday - looking forward to being home with my parents! I will get to interview some witnesses of the Detroit riots while I am there, which will be enlighting to be sure. That's it for now - and until next time, here's a quote, to bring back an old tradition of mine.

Come out of the circle of time
And into the circle of love.
-Rumi

My Dinner with Farid Esack

Islamic Awareness Week is finally over! I can breathe deep now and I will have time for me! I just have to get over the midterms and I will be into spring break. I am feeling good, if not a little tired.

IAW most definitely ended with a bang - 50 people showed up to the Master's Tea with Farid Esack. The topic of his speech was "AIDS, Islam, and Liberation Theology" - and it was AMAZING. The entire time I was nodding my head in agreement. The thing is, you already know everything he says, but you've never quite been able to put into words the way he does. That's what an academic can do - take intuitions and put them into words. There was one point when he talked about how Muslims have poured millions of dollars into figuring out how to get around the ban against interest in Islam while staying competitive in the capitalist system and how this taught him the pliability of religion. Yet, Muslims are not ready to rethink gender issues in Islam and tackle the verses in the Qur'an that seem to go against the normative grain of our times. That for me was just a wonderful example of how Muslims will work hard to engage with one part of the modern system, but not the other. Brilliant I tell you - just brilliant! He was very witty and incredibly engaging - dinner with him was such a treat, even though I was sitting rather far away from him.

I haven't told anyone this - but I think I am going to save his cell phone number in my contacts list....is that bad?

Quickness...

The Long Island Mock Trial Regional hosted at Yale wrapped up today. It went fairly smoothly despite feeling like the months of hard work that went into it were unappreciated and unknown. After that blur of a weekend, I have Islamic Awareness Week coming up. It is going to be a busy week and life is going to be tough - but I'll be ok, right?

Ooof - why do I get depressed about these things? I guess it's because I realize how much time I spend on things that are worthless to others despite their objective value. Well - they are of high value to me and I think they should be to others. Are my priorities not in order? Have I done something wrong? I'll never understand what it is - it will just continue to happen to me and I will always be blindsighted by it. It's God's cruel joke on me. Everytime I let my hopes get up a little bit (it's not that much, because I have so little faith in people generally), I always end up crashing spectacularly, despite having not very high expectations. Why does this happen? I like to think it's because people are so incredibly irresponsible and delinquent, while those who disappoint me think it's my extremely picky standards of conduct. In reality, it is probably a combination of the two - but unfortunately I will never strike the right balance. Again, just my luck in life. I don't have terrible luck - I just don't have great luck.

Life always hits you fast - like that commericial says - and I don't think I'll ever be able to keep up.

On Joy

I've been busy the past week or so with getting settled into the new semester and preparing for Islamic Awareness Week and the AMTA regional that Yale is hosting. It's been very hectic, and I am already behind on my reading - and it's only been two weeks. Oof!

Nevertheless, I am enjoying myself a lot. It's true that I miss home every now and then (I have resolved to write letters to my parents more often to deal with that) and I get a little depressed about life (but who doesn't?). My joy isn't hyper or big, but rather a joy of serenity and comfort - I know where I am in my life and I have an idea of where I am going. I am ok with the immediate world around me (i.e. Yale, my suitemates, my friends, my activities - except for mock trial, but that's going to end soon YAY!!!) - the rest of the world I'll get to in due time. But I want to enjoy my mental freedom for the time being and relax. Right now, I really know that everything is going to be ok...

Bummer...

I was supposed to get into New Haven today, but icestorms hit the Midwest and my flight got cancelled. I am glad that I've gotten another night at home, but it's hard to do it all over again. You know - finally telling yourself that you have to go back to school - I even got to the airport and boarded the plane when they said the flight was cancelled. I was ready to go back to school, now I am back home and enjoying the freedom from work and I am NOT ready to go back. It took me a week to prepare to leave home - and now I have to compress that process into a 24 hour period. *Sigh* - what is a girl to do?

Off to figure out what classes I am going to take....

Death Penalty Musings

It's been some time since the world has reacted to the execution of Saddam Hussein - so why am I writing about it now? Well it's taken some time for me to collect my thoughts, many of which were shattered and confused by the various news reports that I saw on TV or read about in the newspaper.

For the most part, I am a person that is against the death penalty - particularly its use in the U.S., whose justice system has been known to make many mistakes and whose procedure for killing the guilty are clean and sanitary, but are terribly inhumane. The thing about beheading someone, even though it is quite gory, is that it is quick and painless (not that I believe we should start doing that here in the U.S - but just to say that we shouldn't act morally superior to countries who use this form of the death penalty.) The reason I say for the most part is because I do believe that there are some who we know - absolutely know - that they are guilty of killing another human being. The Qur'an states that the correct punishment for taking another human's life is to take the guilty person's life - seems logical to me. Eye for an eye is not cruel per se - it just makes economical sense. What is the proper compensation if someone takes my eye - or my life? The only equivalent to me seems another person's eye - or their life. I know the famous quote, "The rule an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind" - and that may be true - but it also may make people think twice before they do something wrong.

So what is the proper punishment for someone who has tortured and murdered hundreds of thousands of people and has BRAGGED about it, showing absolutely no remorse? Death of course - which is what many people said was the proper punishment for the heinous crimes that Saddam Hussein committed. But one life, for the loss of so many - seems a little out of proportion to me. Alas, we cannot kill a man such as this more than once, at least not physically.

So off to gallows for him, but what do I expect his execution to look like? I certainly didn't expect the cell phone footage that swept across the web - crowds taping, executioners taunting - is that appropriate? Is that how his execution should have played out? I am still torn about this, because why does this man deserve any dignity in death (if there is such a thing)? But at the same time, when I should not feel sympathy for this man, I did - in my head I thought - no one should have to die like that - having to die by noose was bad enough. But wait - his death isn't enough - maybe taunting him before he dies is one way to make the punishment more appropriate or fitting. What is the responsiblity of the state to the dignity of the guilty when it is putting someone to death? In America, we ask someone what they would like for their last meal, see if they have any last request that can be granted - and we put them in sound-proof chambers so that they don't hear the audience outside. Is this the standard we should keep for mass murderers like Hussein? At what point does an eye for an eye just stop working and just become disgusting? It becomes that age old question, should we stoop as low as our enemies would? I wonder if the answer is really no as our parents always tell us it is...

Shopping for Produce

It's been a while and I've been on break, so I have no excuse for not posting more often. Just a quick update - I have been having a great break. I've been reading, writing, doing applications, sleeping, watching tv and movies - it's amazing. Because I haven't been so hyped up on school work, I am able to enjoy some of the pleasures that I think college students miss out on.

The other day, my father took me to the fruit and vegetable market that we always go to for great prices on produce. It's called Joe Randazzo's Fruit and Vegetable Market (snazzy name, no?). I haven't been there since I left for college and so I had forgotten how much I enjoy shopping for produce. It's very different than being in a grocery store, because they only sell produce and its far from a fancy shopping experience, no high tech lighting or artistic arrangements (like what you would see at a Whole Foods market). So why do I like it? First of all, it's by far the most diverse place I have been to in all of Michigan - every ethnicity and nationality is represented in this market on any given weekend; you hear an assortment of languages, see a variety of different kinds of clothing. I particularly like to see all the grandparents who are around, wearing the traditional garb of whatever nation they are originally from, carefully discerning the good fruit and vegetables from the bad with their many years of shopping wisdom. I love observing their techniques, whether it is smelling the cilantro to see how fresh it is to clamping an avocado to know how ripe it is. Then there's the sensory experience. You forget how colorful nature is when you live most of your life in New Haven, or any city for that matter. And when I mean colorful, I don't mean the glitzy Las Vegas man-made colorful. The colors and shapes of all the fruits and vegetables in the market are absolutely amazing - the deep red-orange hue of persimmons, the clean whiteness of garlic, the smooth purple surface of an eggplant, the beautiful deep green color of romaine lettuce - it literally is a feast for the eyes. And the smell of a produce market is overwhelming - particularly near all the citrus fruits and herbs. I just love the smell of lemon and basil (seperately and together). It's just such a wonderfully relaxing (though overwhelming too) experience - it's almost therapeutic, even just to think about it. Oh, how much I'll miss these experiences when I go back to Yale.

I think I should try to get out to the East Rock farmer's market this spring semester - for therapeutic reasons...